A Brief Inventory of My Dignities
This has changed so much since I started writing it, plain and simple. This, as in this, this essay you are currently digesting. I was writing about childhood and love and the most important parts of our lives, almost like a love story. High school graduations, losing our virginities- but in the broad light of day it doesn’t seem a lot different than anyone we’ve fornicated since or any other certificate we’ve received for hard work. I’d submit to say at this point familiarity would trump any sort of nostalgia, because nothing feels quite so familiar since my Christmas break.
Because I began morning classes after break, habits have changed drastically. I started referring to this week as “detox week,” as I didn’t see much of that over break. What with the few people who were left around York, professional wrestling on 3 nights a week with 2 overlapping football, another day of football pre playoffs, Saturday night, 50 cent Natural Light Draft Wednesdays at the local college bar, and Tuesdays being as exciting as oatmeal on valium you can assume where most of our free time went. Not being drunk isn’t a problem Read more »
The Advantages of Being Dumped Over the Phone at 2 am
Writing this on Christmas Eve feels peculiar, almost unsettling. Not unsettling in a frightening sense, but more of a peculiar worry, as if the news put out a warning concerning a toddler out for revenge- there’s nothing to worry about but I won’t sleep quite as soundly understanding the implications of such a thing.
A Pabst Blue Ribbon and Criminal Minds tonight, followed by a morning of gift giving and Kenny G. Christmas music while my father takes enough pictures to consume the hard drive of a NASA computer which lies ahead. And in my life’s rear view mirror, a perky nineteen year old blonde with big tits who would only be the little spoon- and to be honest, I didn’t know that much more about her. I think that’s why I get the impression I shouldn’t feel so bad about the split we just went through, but she was my nineteen year old blonde with big boobs so I’m going to be salty and despondent about it.
I’ve had roughly a week of recovery time, but I filled most of it with deathmatch wrestling videos on Youtube and Southern Comfort. I don’t feel that’s proper etiquite for mourning a breakup, if that’s what you’d like to call it, but that’s not the only reason I feel I should have recovered. You see friends, I have a parylizing fear of commitment. I don’t even like ordering breakfast at restaurants. Usually, I order orange juice before I realize the orange juice costs two dollars and twenty-five cents compared to the one dollar and fifteen cent coffee. After that I usually black out into a panic attack, but I’ve been told I mostly shake uncontrollably and grumble about communism; but that’s neither here nor there, so I digress. Read more »
A Between You & Me story
I’ve got to have the worst luck in the history of all 21 year olds ever on the good soil of Pennsylvania. I was driving along the highway minding my own business
when wouldn’t you know it, a damn cop pulls me over. Now you would think because he is the law he would have a legit reason for doing so, but no….his reason goes as follows…..
Cop: Sir Do you know why I have pulled you over?
Me: Ummmm no I don’t sir
Cop: Sir your 3rd brake light is out, did you know this?
At this point, let me tell you, I was a little flabbergasted at this accusation that I would drive around with no brake lights, as I take full care of my cars lighting situation and would never let my baby boy issac ever ride around with a light out. So I knew what he was saying was not the correct reason for him taking the time out of his night for a light.
Me: Well Officer I had no idea i even had more than 2 brake lights!
Where at this point he starts sniffing his nose as if he smells something in my car and asks me
Cop: Have you been Drinking tonight sir? I smell booze in your car!
At this time I’m still a little confused and i say..
Me: No sir I have not been drinking alcohol this evening, the smell you may be noticing is the smell of the sex I just had in the fine automobile.
He did not find my joke funny Read more »
A Between You & Me story
“Your a liar! A god damn liar! You’ve been lying to me this whole time! What is wrong with you!” This is the first thing I hear from a female voice on the other end of the line from an unknown number 3 minutes after pretending to start doing stuff at my 9-5.
Me: Wait wait wait what are you talking about? Who is this?
Unknown: Don’t play dumb, I know who you are, you’ve been lying to me for 2 years. Your such a fake!
Me: Who the fuck is this? and what is your fucking deal?
Unknown: Don’t play dumb! I know you work at ——-, I know about guilty pleasure clothing, I know where you live!
(this is back before guilty people existed)
At this point I’m fully awake. This crazy bitch knew my shit! AaaaAAAand at 4 am that morning I had a missed call from that same number. So not only is the bitch informed and not good at answering questions but is also bat ass crazy and been waiting to rip into me since 4 am.
Read more »